The next step

Chemo is over and has been for a few weeks now. I am so glad it is done and cannot wait for my hair to come back in. The next step is surgery and it will be a week from today. I will be having a masectomy and on my right breast. I have to say I am very nervous, but look forward to having the cancer gone!

I have been having so many different feelings go through my head. I have tried to stay so positive about my illness, but it is hard, really hard. A lot of times I feel good and feel normal untill I have to be reminded of my illness. That is usually by looking in the mirror at my bald head and eyelashes and brows that have not yet come back in. The fact that I have someone telling me every single day they are praying for me. I am glad people are praying for me and very grateful, but again it returns me to the realization I have a serious illness. I keep thinking why do I have to be sick and why can I just not take something that will just cure me. Still there is no cure but meds and technology are getting better all the time. I have family members who are not thinking as positive  as I am and that once again brings me to the fact that I could die. I can feel the good and bad energy's around me and i can get in a pretty foul mood because of it. I know I cannot pretend this is not happening to me, because I have too many reminders or I would try even harder to do so. I have a dr's appt tomorrow to talk about the surgery. I am dreading it and to be honest do not want to go.

I look at my children and they give me hope and strength to endure all this. I want to be around to raise my girls. The thought of not being able to watch them grow, graduate from highschool and college, get married, and not being able to be there when they have their own babies is not acceptable to me. I will fight as hard as I can to be there for them. They are what matter, they are my life, and me just being a memory for them, again is not acceptable!!!!