The next step

Chemo is over and has been for a few weeks now. I am so glad it is done and cannot wait for my hair to come back in. The next step is surgery and it will be a week from today. I will be having a masectomy and on my right breast. I have to say I am very nervous, but look forward to having the cancer gone!

I have been having so many different feelings go through my head. I have tried to stay so positive about my illness, but it is hard, really hard. A lot of times I feel good and feel normal untill I have to be reminded of my illness. That is usually by looking in the mirror at my bald head and eyelashes and brows that have not yet come back in. The fact that I have someone telling me every single day they are praying for me. I am glad people are praying for me and very grateful, but again it returns me to the realization I have a serious illness. I keep thinking why do I have to be sick and why can I just not take something that will just cure me. Still there is no cure but meds and technology are getting better all the time. I have family members who are not thinking as positive  as I am and that once again brings me to the fact that I could die. I can feel the good and bad energy's around me and i can get in a pretty foul mood because of it. I know I cannot pretend this is not happening to me, because I have too many reminders or I would try even harder to do so. I have a dr's appt tomorrow to talk about the surgery. I am dreading it and to be honest do not want to go.

I look at my children and they give me hope and strength to endure all this. I want to be around to raise my girls. The thought of not being able to watch them grow, graduate from highschool and college, get married, and not being able to be there when they have their own babies is not acceptable to me. I will fight as hard as I can to be there for them. They are what matter, they are my life, and me just being a memory for them, again is not acceptable!!!!

Sometimes it's easier to be bitter

In the beginning when I first learned of my diagnosis I kept wondering why me? Then I came to realization and asked myself, why not me? There are so many women, men and children struck with some sort of horrid disease and none of us asked for it, and none of deserve it either. I came to figure it is in Gods plan for each one of us. Since shock wore off and I have come to terms with what it is I need to do to get better, I have surrendered myself to God. I have decided to go ahead and put my life in his hands. What else is there for me to do?
It is so much easier to be bitter. It is so much easier to sit and feel sorry for myself. What do I have to gain from that? NOTHING! So I have surrendered all my bitternes and worries into Gods hands. Am I still scared, well yeah! I have heard a many time it is ok to be scared, but we cannot sit and dwell on the what ifs and whys in this life each and everyone has been gifted to have. We gave been gifted our lives, and we should all give thanks each day for having this life we have, and I do. I thank God I had a father who loved me and my family till I was six. I thank god for giving me a mother who loves me and my sisters and would trade her own life for ours. I thank God for giving me a husband who is loving, patient, and kind. I thank God for the two sisters whom I have grown up and love to this day. I thank God for my three beautiful girls in which I would give my own life for in a heart beat. I thank God for all the people who I know and do not know that have sent their love and prayers my way. There are so many things I thank God for and I could go on and on. As I feel the bitterness try to sneak back in, all I do is think of all the people and things that God has given to me, and I am so very thankful. Thank you God for giving me this wonderful life I have!

Then there were 2

I had my 2nd Chemo session this past Friday. It was also my birthday. What a way to spend a birthday. I am just now starting to feel a little better from it and I get a little more energy every day. I cannot stand to eat right now because everything taste weird or just bad. Cheese is a big thing this time around. It taste very bitter and cannot stand the taste of it. I love cheese, why cheese? The last time around at my 1st Chemo I could not taste salt. It is a little better this time around. I have had a lot of stomach pain and upset too and I cannot almost handle that but all I can do is take my antinausia meds and lay down.
I am having trouble sleeping and nothing I try to do helps. My body is tired and I want to sleep but every single noise from my husband snoring to even my cat snoring keeps me awake. I cannot blame them, they have always done this and did not have a very big problem with it till now. I finally showed my girls my bald head. They just laughed and said it felt funny. I completely understand, it does feel funny and probably looks funny too. I will say I do look forward to when my hair grows back. Not having my hair has been very hard for me.
Everytime I think about Cancer, Chemo, or pimento cheese sandwhiches I get a nausiated sick feeling that I cannot seem to get rid of. Everytime I start to feel sorry for myself I repeat back the words God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I say that everyday and sometimes more than once. So many people have reached out to me and a lot I do not know who are praying for me and my family. They have sent gifts and prayers, and prayer shawles. It has meant so much and cannot thank everyone enough. I see I have been venting a little here, but where else is a better place than to the whole wide world.

March 23rd 2011

This was the day my nightmare began. I went in for my first ever mamogram after feeling a lump in my right breast. I am going in thinking this is a cyst because I am 34 and how could it possabley be cancer at 34! The nurse came in after viewing my Xrays and went on to tell me I quote..(What we see is very concerning.) Let me just say she was stressing very concerning alarmingly. She said she wanted to do a fine needle biopsey and then sent me on my way to process all of this.

While crying uncontrollably, I drove to my mom's house. I have always heard when you are hurt sick or dying you always want your mother and I did. After explaining everything in great detail she did not hesitate to make me an appt with her own cancer Dr. You see my mom herself is an eight year cancer survivor! Within a month I have had two biopsies, MRI, CT, Bone scan, met with the Dr, met with an oncologist, and have had one Chemo treatment so far. I was diagnosed with Invasive ductal Carcinoma. Like I said before I am in a nightmare but hopefully one of these days i will wake up and everything will be ok. This blog for now is going to be my outlet to talking about my cancer and what I am going through. I will still talk about other things but I think I need this to help get me through the dark days.

Spring Birthday #7

Today is Emma's 7th birthday! I cannot believe she is already 7. Yesterday we had her party at the house and it turned out great! Heather made her cake and cupcakes, and I have to say we had a full house. What a wonderful and beautiful day for a wonderful and beautiful girl.

He looks so innocent

Looking at this pic of Morgan, he seems as if he does no wrong. Wrong! If he gets mad at you he will go somewhere or right in front of you and pee all over the floor. Somtimes he will pee on Chris's chair, and even in our bed. Deep cleaning I say!! Then there is his loud annoying bark at everything , and he is the stuffed animal thief, but we can always find them by his food bowl. All in all he is a sweet pup and we love him dearly, even if he does all these things.

The love of reading

This is not a very good pic but the only one I have to show just how much my kids love to read. This is right before bed and all three of them were reading. In this pic you can only see the two but the eldest is sitting with her daddy. I love to read as doo their grandparents so they come by it honestly. I hope they will always love to read!